That time I almost didn’t but I’m glad I did: my continuing education experiences as a professional dog trainer and shelter worker

Six days. Two workshops. Glorious amounts of wisdom shared. Mind blown.

That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling as I curl up into my Marriott hotel room tonight. I’m smiling as I recover from the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through at every conference, workshop or class I attend. I smile because I know. I am one of the lucky ones. Who after more than 30 years of soul searching, gets to do what I love and love what I do.

Two years ago I made the decision to become a professional animal trainer. I’d been working in shelters and with animals for more than a decade, but had always been pressured to find a “more professional” career. Fast forward to today, and I’m firmly on the path that was always meant for me.

The journey is as exhausting as it is invigorating. Tonight, for instance, my thoughts are buzzing like little freight trains of information from my latest continuing education experience.

Two nights ago, I arrived in Jersey for Michael Shikashio‘s & Trish McMillan Loehr‘s Working with Aggressive Dogs Workshop. I’m happy to say that I’m taking home some practical defensive handling techniques to share with my inner circles. But the topics that stand out tonight are not so dog-focused.

The last 24 hours leading up to my flight here, I seriously considered bailing. I was tired, per usual. But mostly, I was anxious. I had this moderately reasonable fear that while at the workshop I would either A) run into a former colleague turned bully (or one of her friends) or B) meet yet another trainer that manages to chip away at my confidence. I call these reasonable fears because they’re based on past experiences that were very real. But luckily, these past experiences happen to be the exception not the rule.

Despite my anxiety, I boarded my flight. It turned out, as it most often does, that no one at this workshop was out to get me (or out to get anyone else). Instead, in attendance were some genuinely intriguing, kind-hearted, and generous people. Every body there was in some shape or form a “dog person.” Whether they called themselves trainers, shelter workers, dog parents, or something else. And what I love about being in a crowd of dog people is that I can always find a mix of passion, reason, goodwill, and creativity. With, of course, a dash of crazy.

Conferences and workshops can be overwhelming for me because I struggle with anxiety. At the same time, I enjoy the challenge of facing my largely social-based fears. One of the tactics that helps me cope in social settings is focusing on the people around me. By taking a genuine interest in others, my anxious thoughts are forced to take a backseat while I learn something new (and sometimes in the process, make a new friend!).

This workshop was no different because there were a lot of people different from me, which meant a lot of opportunity to learn! I connected with one girl over her “Do No Harm” Victoria Stilwell Brand shirt, and engaged in some emotionally-charged debates with others over animal sheltering. During the hands-on activities, I got to practice coaching others kindly. And likewise got coached by others in what I was doing with my body and what I could do differently.

Safe to say there were plenty of aha!-moments. Sometimes it was the confirmation that something I have been doing at work is indeed right! And other times, it was the realization that I still have a lot to work on. <sigh> But the most exciting moments were when something new-to-me “clicked” into the framework of my current role. That moment when I could see exactly how this was applicable to my shelter, my animals, and my people.

Occasionally, there were some “off” moments, too. You know, those times when two people butt heads in a very public way. Or when someone asked a question that felt way out of left field. Or, for me, the several times I tended to get ahead of myself by asking questions that were more advanced than the scope of the workshop. (Yes, I’m always THAT person in every class).

All that to say that I am completely blown away. I’m thrilled with the education I get to take with me and apply in my everyday work. I’m excited about staying in touch with some of the talented people I met. And most of all, I’m grateful. Grateful beyond words. That I have the support systems to push through my fears, so that I can show up well to experiences like this. Experiences that better equip me to improve the lives of animals and the people that love them.

So, my takeaways from this workshop (aside from all the dog-related takeaways I’m not mentioning in this post) are:

  1. Don’t let one bad experience keep you from a thousand positive ones
  2. Take genuine interest in others because it’s good for you and good for the world
  3. Always remember that you don’t know it all
  4. Stay humble and stay hungry for knowledge
  5. And when it comes to being a professional dog trainer, “Stay. In. Your. Lane.”

Ok, maybe that last one was dog-related. But what can I say? My life revolves around dogs.

Stay tuned for reflections from my Maddie’s Fund Foster Dog Apprenticeship! Spoiler alert: I left bursting with inspiration.

Speaking from experience: Fear, trigger-stacking & punishment

Exactly seven days into vacation I had an anxiety attack. Honestly, I saw this coming. I usually do. Several years ago I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, one that I've spent most of my life dealing with. I don't talk about it much because mental health issues are still stigmatized. And when it comes to PTSD, it seems like only the military-variety is taken seriously.

I've come to terms with this in recent years. Although I spent most of my life wishing I were normal and feeling angry about the traumas I was subjected to, I now see the silver lining: my victories are that much sweeter. More things than most people realize are very challenging for someone haunted by trauma. There are times when the simple act of walking down to my kitchen to grab a glass of water in the middle of the night is terrifying. A pretty shocking thought for most that know me. These days, I have a good handle on my anxiety and am pretty adept at managing my fears.

I've also been able to take things a step further and slowly conquer some of my more extreme fears, like my fear of heights and water. This week the hubs decided to take matters into his own hands and surprise me with an all day whitewater rafting trip. The problem was that he first told me it was a lazy river float trip.

Trigger by trigger

Once we arrived in Colorado, he filled me in on the real details of our trip. This was the start of a series of stressors that led to my anxiety attack. In animal behavioral science, we often refer to this as trigger stacking. The reason I'm writing about this here is that trigger-stacking can happen to any animal. In fact, I'm confident it happens to our own companion animals more often than we realize.

When I found out about whitewater rafting, I had mixed feelings. But the closer we got to the trip, the more I just felt scared. I created a lot of unnecessary pressure in mind about whitewater rafting, including some irrational thought patterns that aren't worth getting into. What is relevant to this post is the fact that I ignored the very obvious signs that I wasn't ready to go whitewater rafting. My thoughts were racing, my body tense, and I had a mini-meltdown the night before. Yet I insisted on getting up in the morning and heading out to the whitewater outfitter. When we arrived, I couldn't hide or ignore my fear anymore. I literally froze. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't move a muscle. And when my husband asked me if I was okay, I couldn't speak.

Deconstructing the stack

Looking back, I can easily point to all the triggers that led up to my anxiety attack:

  • Lack of sleep (I don't sleep well in general and less so in hotels)
  • Lack of adequate nutrition (elevation had zapped my appetite and I wasn't eating enough food)
  • Catastrophizing (telling myself that bailing on the activity would be the end of the world)
  • Work stress (yep! followed me even on vacation)
  • Communication breakdowns (the inability to just say out loud "I don't want to go")
  • Snapping at my husband as I was getting ready that morning (both a result of my anxiety and a compounder of it)
  • The 90 minute high-speed drive through the mountains on the way there (I am also terrified of heights and get motion sickness easily)

You may notice that some of the triggers I listed seem obvious, because they chip away at very basic animal needs (see Maslow's hierarchy of needs which is also applicable to humans). But others might be more difficult for someone else to identify. The thing with trigger stacking is that we all have different triggers, and what may be triggering to one isn't triggering to another.

In discussing my anxiety attack after the fact with my husband, we both acknowledged that in life we have two entirely different experiences. Without communicating, we both have a hard time knowing what the other person is going through. We're also really bad at guessing where the other person's thresholds are in a given moment. As in dogs,thresholds are always changing. So, one of the best things we've agreed to do for our relationship is to believe the other person's account of their experience.

Another thing we've decided to do in terms of future adventures is to let me go at my own pace, which means involving me in the process from the beginning. No more trying to help me by surprising me with whitewater rafting, scuba diving, bungee jumping, etc. Sure, it isn't fun for me to admit that I'm the kind of person that needs to manage my triggers before attempting any of these cool activities. But I've lived too long apologizing for the ways in which trauma shaped my brain. Surprisingly, Ryan isn't mad or annoyed that I'm "not more adventurous." His only beef with my fear is the fear itself. He genuinely doesn't judge me for battling them every day. He just wishes I didn't have to.

Why am I sharing all this? Well, at one point in our conversation Ryan joked "so, you're a lot like Hope about these things, aren't you?" Hope is our one year old dog who has recently begun barking defensively at strangers that surprise her or give her the heebie jeebies. She's always been timid about new things, and that's our fault for not focusing on socializing her after we adopted her at 4-5 months. As a young puppy, she would just freeze and seemingly tolerate what was happening around her. Now that she's older she's started barking. And if she feels frightened enough, she'll bark herself into a defensive frenzy.

When fear rears its ugly head

When this started happening I had to try to explain to my husband what Hope was experiencing. Most people react to this kind of behavior by shutting down the barking with harsh corrections (intimidation); some may even resort to force or pain. I had to explain to Ryan in terms he could understand why we don't do that. If we were hiking on the side of a mountain cliff and I started freaking out – let's say, crying and screaming – and Ryan responded by yelling at me, then I may stop crying and screaming. But I wouldn't feel any less afraid than I did before.

It doesn't take a history of trauma for an animal to understand that intimidation is a threat to one's safety. Take a threatening situation (heights) and add in another threat (man yelling at me), regardless of my behavior, I'm going to feel even more overwhelmed than if I were only being threatened on one level. Ryan seemed to understand this and he's been on board with a different approach to Hope's reactivity.

What's more important is that he's starting to understand what trigger stacking can look like for our dog. Let's say he comes home from a long day of meetings and all he wants to do is to take the dog on a leisurely walk. On arrival, he is greeted by a wiggly, playful dog, so he thinks she is up for the same. But then we he steps off our stoop, our dog loses it by barking defensively (a lay person may say "aggressively"). The kids playing in the cul de sac seem to have set her off. Angry, embarrassed and frustrated, Ryan turns back into the house where Hope calms down.

At first glance, he may think she hates kids and was triggered by the sight/sound of them in the street. But what he doesn't realize is that the landscapers had been by earlier, then our neighbor's dog broke through their invisible fence, then the UPS guy banged on the front door. Meanwhile, Hope had been sleeping in her crate when she was initially startled. She had already blown through the puzzles we left for her, so she had nothing to distract her from these triggers. And because they happened back to back, she got no time to decompress from either of them. They just built one on top of the other. By the time Ryan got home, she was one trigger away from "losing it."

I've yet to meet a human that hasn't had a similarly trigger-stacking kind of day in their life. We've all experienced this perfect storm of stressors at some point.

Of course, the obvious solution is to avoid trigger stacking altogether. But in real life, we don't always do a good job of this (hello, whitewater rafting!). So, what should we do when shit hits the fan and we find ourselves in the middle of our own or someone else's trigger stacking meltdown? Good question! First, let me start by telling you what NOT to do.

The problem with punishment

In the case of whitewater rafting, a bad idea would have been to suit me up and physically put me on a raft. Sound ridiculous? Well, I've been forced through scenarios like this in the past and seen others forced through the same (an approach called "flooding"). The results for me were heightened fears and a deepening despair brought on by the invalidation of a very real-to-my-body fear. Similarly, I think we can intensify fears in our dogs and deepen distrust by forcing them through things they are fearful of.

In the case of Hope barking defensively at kids, a bad idea would have been for Ryan to yell harshly at her, snap her leash or bop her on the nose (i.e. "correct" or punish the undesirable behavior). I've known pet parents, and even been one, that took this approach. Punishing Hope in these ways will not alleviate the fear and could easily plant seeds of distrust towards Ryan.

Sadly, I have a lot of experience with these ineffective approaches. My parents, like many others, thought this was the way you "deal" with undesirable behavior. It's a very old-school approach to toughening kids up or teaching them to "act right." Oddly enough, I still come across parents (to both humans and dogs) that sing praises for these violent methods. Sure, it may be forceful and leverage intimidation. "But it works!" they always tell me. Well, yes, it DOES work. For the time being. But what these folks fail to realize is that the suppression of behavior through force or intimidation is always temporary.

In other words, you can't permanently change behavior without transforming the underlying emotion. When it comes to fear, you run the very real risk of intensifying it if you fail to transform it. Fear also has a knack for generalizing and becoming bigger and badder than anything even experts can tackle.

I say transform the fear because to address it is not enough. You can address fear by punishing it. Slap me in the face for crying and you've communicated that my crying is not acceptable. But that doesn't give me anything positive or more functional to replace my fear with. You may have stopped the crying this time around, but I guarantee you, there will be other undesirable behavior (stemming from the underlying fear) to deal with later. Now that I know it's not safe to cry, I'll probably choose something even less desirable in your mind as a coping mechanism for that fear (like those times I tried running away at ages 5 and 7). And if you punished me harshly, I guarantee you just made my fears that much worse.

Speaking from experience

For example, the first time I was slapped for "throwing a tantrum" about something that genuinely terrified me, I froze. But I was born with a lot of fight in me. And it wasn't long before my response to physical punishment, even as a small child, was to fight back. And do you know what happens when the one you're trying to control with punishment fights back? You have to get bigger, louder, more intimidating, more forceful to get the same results. In effect, you become more abusive.

This is true when working with animals, too. I was lucky that my first dogs, the ones I subjected to these traditional training methods, responded by shutting down. But I've since worked with dogs that respond much like I do. They fight back. And damn well they should. If you take any animal – human or otherwise – and scare them, force them or hurt them, you are triggering some very hard-wired instincts to survive. And while survival may take the form of flight or freeze, it may also take the form of fight. That's why some big name "trainers" get bit hard and often.

As someone who spent their childhood under attack while simultaneously being told that it was "all in your head," I no longer have it in me to trivialize that fear factor in the animals I work with. My fear and fearful behavior kept me from a worse fate. So, I can't blame my dog, who doesn't know any better, for feeling fear and acting accordingly. It's my job to mitigate her fear and in the long run, help transform it into something better. That's not to say that I can make my dog like every little thing she is fearful of. I don't love everything I used to be scared of. But I can certainly help her gain confidence and be at peace where she was otherwise afraid.

What should you do when shit hits the fan? You or your dog have just been trigger stacked. In terms of practical resources for behavior modification in both fearful humans and fearful dogs, there are a lot of good resources already out there (linked throughout this post & listed below). What I can offer from years of battling trauma-induced fears is anecdotal advice that works for me (and my dog, too!):

  • Validate the emotions (what you or they are feeling is real regardless of what you think about it)
  • Alleviate any pressure (check judgments at the door, remember that life isn't perfect, and know that sometimes shit hits the fan)
  • Locate and utilize an escape route (get out of the immediately triggering situation if possible or increase distance from your triggers)
  • Employ self-soothing techniques (for me that's things like breathing exercises, prayer, getting out in nature, and eventually, writing).
  • Take the day off (give yourself space to recover from the mental, emotional and physical jarring that comes with trigger stacking and anxiety attacks)
  • Take time to reflect (don't beat yourself up for what's happened, but definitely think about any takeaways that you can use to your advantage in the future)
  • Set yourself up to succeed (for me after whitewater rafting that was going SUPing on a small lake where I could have fun and also remember that I have it in me to conquer my fears)
  • Surround yourself with positive people (the kind that won't judge you or beat you up for what's happened but instead remind you of your worth and abilities)

Dogs are not little humans

On a final note, I want to point out one important concept. More and more in the dog world, we are realizing that a lot of problems stem from our anthropomorphism of dogs (and animals in general). For instance, we create a terrible and misinformed dynamic when we assume our dogs misbehaved out of spite. Dogs simply don't think like that; their emotions as far as science currently understands are far more basic.

Fear on the other hand is a very real and raw emotion felt by all animals. It's intrinsically linked to survival. My purpose in sharing my experience with life-threatening and chronic fear is to provide insight into what it's like to live like that. There are a lot of things that might scare our dogs that we think shouldn't. We may think things like, "why is Fluffy freaking out? Gosh, she's so dramatic!"

When we fail to respect their fear, however, we put our dogs in a position that few people have had the misfortune of experiencing. One where the dog is surrounded by controllers (their parents, trainers, caregivers) that ignore, punish and exacerbate those fears. I know what it's like to live like that, surrounded by people that invalidate, punish and multiply my fears. By sharing my experience, I hope to provide understanding where animals need it most, and hopefully make it so that less dogs (and people) have to live that way.

Additional resources:

Have you ever had a trigger stacking moment? If so, what did you learn from it? Do you have a fearful dog? What has your approach been to managing his/her fear?

Hope at Work: Shelter Dog Play

Everybody has a list of wants when looking for a new dog. For some of us, it’s love at first sight, and for others, it’s as detailed a process as buying a house. When I adopted Hope it was admittedly love at first sight. Sure, I ran through my list of musts before signing the papers but she definitely had me at hello.

One of the must-haves I did not get a chance to check off at adoption was “dog friendly.” Although Hope had been housed with another puppy – one that was quite annoying actually – I never got a chance to see her around unfamiliar dogs. So, this was the big question mark surrounding our first days together.

Having worked hands-on with thousands of dogs in animal shelters, I have seen dog-dog aggression and know that I don’t want to live with a dog that is dangerous. I also know that behavior can change over time and even our best efforts can’t prevent us from dealing with challenges down the road. Like when my dog-friendly Lucy was attacked and understandably, stopped being so friendly.

Needless to say, the first appointment I made for the nugget was an evaluation day at a nearby daycare. This was the first positive, force-free facility I’d ever come across; a place I’d been eager to try out since moving to Charlotte. I held my breath until her daycare debut where, much to my relief, she received a glowing review. The nugget had impressed the daycare staff with her ability to play with a variety of dogs and take breaks when needed (a skill that many dogs don’t possess).

Hope, it turns out, is a dog’s dog. Naturally, daycare (run by trusted professionals avoiding aversives) became a regular activity in the her weekly schedule.

Hope at Daycare
Hope at daycare; credit J. Cooper

Meanwhile, things shifted for me at the shelter where I work. The old-school model for evaluating dog-aggression in shelter dogs involves a leash. I had been growing increasingly wary of these so-called dog tests because, as my colleagues were also finding, many dogs did not behave off-leash as projected by this traditional test. Hope, for instance, would not be labeled accurately if you judged her by a leashed introduction. I can say the same for every other dog I’d been a mom or foster mom to. The more investigating I did and the more dogs I worked with, the more I was convinced that leashed intros were inconclusive at best and in their worst form, completely unfair. I decided a major change was needed, so shelter dog play groups were born.

Mind you, the decision to try shelter dog play groups was not just based on my personal experiences. Currently, there is research being conducted on the effectiveness of shelter dog play groups in improving behavior, reducing stress and increasing chances at a live outcome (i.e. reducing unnecessary deaths in shelters). Hundreds of shelters have had great success with play groups in all of these areas. Moreover, dog trainers and behavior experts have grown increasingly vocal about what we should be doing to set our companion dogs up to succeed. Putting them on the end of a tight leash while they go nose-to-nose with an unfamiliar dog is not considered a dog parent best practice.

Frankly, I was sick and tired of feeling like I was setting dogs up to fail. So, from one day to the next my assistant and I started running play groups together. A play group, for us, consists of three or more unfamiliar dogs introduced off leash in a yard together. It took us a while to get a good rhythm going, but within a few weeks we were getting several dogs out to play on a weekly basis. There were times I’d ask her to bring a certain dog to the group, and she’d look at me like I had two heads.

“Really? You want that pushy/rude/dominant/<insert other-negative-label-we-all-use here> dog?” she’d ask.

“Yes” I’d tell her with some trepidation in my voice.

There were just as many times that upon first glance I’d assert, “That dog doesn’t look promising.” Then that same unpromising dog would prove to be one of the finest play group participants.

So, far this year I’ve seen 200+ shelter dogs in play groups, with overwhelmingly positive outcomes. I’m quite excited about this considering the shelter does not have the luxury of limiting admission, the way a private shelter or a daycare may. Sheltering is an environment where you literally have to work with the dogs in front of you and whatever behaviors they are exhibiting – in less-than-ideal conditions, no less! This dynamic poses it’s own challenges as dogs are adopted out and new dogs enter the system.

There are some dogs with well-rounded communication skills; I call them play group rock stars. Then there are a whole host of dogs with skills that may require more management in a group setting. Not surprisingly, my play group rock stars have a tendency of getting themselves adopted or transferred to rescue partners, leaving me to pair the remaining dogs up creatively.


One day I decided to bring Hope to work to see if she could round out some of the less-refined personalities in group. At the time, I knew she loved to play, had a gentle mouth, and knew when to take breaks. Through our work together in play groups, I’ve since learned that she is so much more than I ever expected. She is the kind of dog that shows up well. Every. Single. Time. Taking it down a notch if a dog is showing fearfully. Revving it up for the dogs with a lot of energy to burn. Appropriately correcting obnoxious behaviors and then moving on with life. Using friendly gestures to alleviate any uncertainty in new-to-group dogs.

Behavioral Tangent: Notice I didn’t label the dogs fearful, energetic, obnoxious or uncertain, and instead chose to describe the behavior itself. This is because it isn’t fair or accurate to define a dog by the behavior he/she displays in a short or stressful timeframe. Play groups, for me, was born out of a desire to observe behavior under the fairest of circumstances while taking into consideration each dog’s individuality and personal experience.

Hope has proven time and again how to offer the kind of behavior and body language that sets other dogs at ease. For dogs without a sense of security or belonging, how is this not beneficial? I’ve watched first hand as dogs’ communication skills improve over time thanks to carefully constructed play groups that include dogs like Hope.

With the help of volunteers I now have the joy of running shelter play groups three to four times a week. My hope is to continue to increase the amount of time the shelter dogs get to play together. In thirteen years of sheltering, this is the first activity I’ve participated in where dogs are able to express natural behaviors, be with their own kind, and experience real freedom.


Hope doesn’t attend every play group. I bring her in when the dogs are in need of her profoundly developed communication skills. People have asked me if I am worried about disease or injury. Although I agree there are risks, I also make sure to take the necessary precautions to keep her safe. I am also of the mindset that every little thing carries its own risk, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to weigh the benefits against the risk. In this case, the benefits are beyond measure!

Knowing what I know now about dog play, it’s not shocking to me that Hope is a playgroup rock star. There is just something about her that brings out the best in other dogs. Maybe it’s the little tan dots above her eyes, which experts have identified as a reason some dogs are more easily understood (Bennett & Briggs 2008). Either way, I didn’t set out to put my dog to work, but I’m glad we’ve found something she is good at and something she enjoys. She’s even helped run groups in the pouring rain!

For Hope, working in shelter dog play groups will continue to be a part of her life as long as she enjoys it. After all, she was once a shelter dog herself. And if dogs had an understanding of giving back, I think she’d appreciate the way her story has come full circle.


Does your dog have a job? Are you one of the fortunate few that can take your dog to work with you? Do you enjoy helping shelter dogs, too? If so, please share your stories with us!

Blog Paws: I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

 

Blog Paws Conference; Myrtle Beach. I’ll be completely honest and admit that I didn’t make plans to attend until the last minute. When my friend Jennel, a conference staffer, mentioned it to me, the only words I heard were paws and beach. Yes, please. Sign me up!

The timing of the invitation was pretty serendipitous. About a year ago I had shut down my new blog when my dog’s health started declining. After Lucy passed away last October, I had been unable to write anything meaningful. That is, until now.

When Lucy died I buried myself as much as was humanly possible into my work and education. The labor of knocking out some major goals was a constructive way for me to channel the intense grief I felt over losing my dog. As my heart healed, I began to find my voice again. And so, my blog was reborn.

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I have no idea what I’m doing

Blog Paws wasn’t anything I expected it to be. The people were so welcoming and encouraging. The content was impressive and at times, way over my head. Was anyone else googling how-to-SEO during the SEO for Beginners workshop? The amount of love for animals was mind blowing. My attendance was a treat to myself and it indeed gave me the much-needed reboot I needed to come back to my everyday life.

I was utterly unprepared for everything I experienced at Blog Paws. As I mentioned before, I’d only recently relaunched my blog. In comparison to other attendees, I was a baby – an infant, really – still learning how to crawl. I didn’t really know how I was going to present myself or my brand, and I fumbled introduction after introduction. In one conversation with a brand rep, I literally spit out the food I was chewing on and then started choking on a crumb that got stuck in my throat. Talk about embarrassing!

It turns out, though, that pet bloggers and the brands that love them are a surprisingly welcoming bunch. Despite my lack of confidence (and occasional drooling), everyone I met showed genuine interest in connecting. The love for pets was palpable, and I had endless opportunities to photograph guardians setting their pets up to succeed. As a professional dog trainer, there are few things more encouraging than seeing humans acknowledge and attend to their pets’ needs.

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Despite my newbie status, I ended up feeling perfectly at home among veteran pet bloggers. In one session, one attendee shared that she had started off as a fashion blogger but quickly learned that pet bloggers are a lot nicer; she now runs a DIY fashion blog for dog moms. Despite being surrounded by competitors, I had the same experience at Blog Paws. Pet bloggers know how to build each other up.

As an introvert, conferences are challenging because I would rather be chillin’ with my dog at home, pantless. (True story!) On top of that, I truly had no idea what I was doing. Many of the bloggers I met touted thousands of followers, pristine Instagram feeds, and big-name-brand support. Me? I didn’t even have any business cards to hand out! Still, I made the most of the workshops offered and came home with a plethora of notes. Most importantly, I was more energized to write than ever before. The ideas have since been pouring out of me, and my life is currently a stack of post-it notes.

One takeaway from Blog Paws is that, clearly, I still have so much to learn. As small as I may feel sometimes, it is also very empowering to know that the opportunity here is endless. And pet bloggers are as generous as they are welcoming. There was more knowledge-sharing than in my other circles, like animal sheltering and professional dog training, which is saying something. It’s human nature to want to keep your million-dollar ideas under lock and key, but sharing them and helping each other out is exactly what Blog Paws is all about.

Some of my favorite moments included:

  • Getting some encouraging advice from Aimee of Irresistible Pets & Irresistible Icing about developing my voice. Our conversation was my first aha! moment of what ended up being a weekend full of them.
  • Hearing No Bowl Feeding System creator Dr. Elizabeth Bales answer the question about why this product is not tech, i.e. it has no lights or battery-powered motion. Because it wasn’t made for humans! Humans need lights and batteries, cats don’t care about that. Listening to her speak about how this product was designed to meet the biological needs of cats, and not what humans think they need, made this behavior nerd want to shout “Hell yeah!”
  • Being introduced to Hope for Paws through some of the most moving videos of animal rescue that I have ever seen. My personal favorite, the one that sent chills down my spine and left me wiping tears off my face, featured eight motherless puppies rescued from living in a cave.
  • The countless motivational quotes sprinkled throughout Kathleen Gage’s keynote presentation, like “Letting life put in front of you what you are meant to do and answering the calling;” “It’s not what happens…it’s what you do about it” from W. Mitchell; and “It’s not what you know, it’s what you do with what you know.”
  • Watching former shelter dog, Tega, walk the red carpet. This dog, who was almost euthanized due to exhibiting defensive behaviors in a shelter environment, was now strutting her stuff alongside pet blogging superstars. It was a proud moment for her foster mom and I to see this former-throwaway beaming with confidence. Tega is currently searching for her forever home!

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Some more friends you should check out online (and no, they’re not paying me for the shout out!):

Oh, and eventually, I made it to the beach, too!

Life After Death, Part 2

“How’s the puppy doing?” our friends asked eagerly. 

I felt my eyes roll in my head as I blurted out my response. “I only have lukewarm feelings about her. She’s a good puppy but she’s not amazing.”

For a moment, the table fell silent and I saw my friends jaw drop a little. “Are you serious?” She exclaimed in disbelief. 

I laughed awkwardly and glanced over at my husband, who proceeded to rescue my overshare with some normal-person commentary and promptly change the subject. But as the conversation continued, I got lost in my head for a moment. Did I really just say that out loud? What kind of a dog lover says that? I am such a terrible mother! 

The truth is that Hope, like Lucy, was a dog that on some level I didn’t really want. Lucy hadn’t even been gone long before the hubs was asking for a new pup. To be exact, it had only been three weeks. I was crying a lot; my thoughts, a never-ending rollercoaster. And every day my body felt like it had been hit by a Mack truck. My schedule was pure chaos. I was working overtime in a high-stress job and enrolled in a time-consuming dog training program. The holidays were on the horizon and, though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was starting to succumb to compassion fatigue. The last thing I wanted in the middle of all this was the responsibility of a shiny new puppy. 

Puppies are overrated

Puppies are a lot of work. And to me, they’ve always been overrated. As a shelter worker and rescue volunteer, I’d spent a great deal of time focusing on the animals that others overlook. I prided myself on ignoring that new puppy sheen and instead setting my sights on the ugly, old and stinky variety of dogs. Besides, I have way more in common with these less-than-perfect pups.

My husband on the other hand, a man unashamed of his taste for finer things, wanted a new puppy. To be exact, he wanted a Doberman Pinscher that would one day grow up to be as big as I am. His desire for a shiny new dog went beyond looks; it was about starting fresh. There is a certain weight to rearing the young. For better or worse, you have the power to shape a mind, a life, and all things that come from it. It’s like holding the future in your hands; a challenge and responsibility that Ryan confidently welcomes with open arms. I, however, am not so enthusiastic because I know all too well what happens when rearing the young goes terribly wrong.  

Ryan's idea of a new puppy
Ryan’s idea of a dog

I don’t have fond memories of my childhood. I never enjoy looking back. All I remember about being little is feeling trapped and terrified. Every. Single. Day. I’ve come a long way from those formative years, but I still bear the scars of my past. What I’ve learned from twelve years of working with homeless animals is that people aren’t the only creatures susceptible to the scars of wrong-rearing. Having spent my adult years helping society’s throwaways, it’s hard for me to get excited about the period of life that I’ve seen go terribly wrong too many times. There’s too much at stake during those formative years, and I’d much rather adopt an older dog, scars and all. 

Pointing fingers

I was at my first Victoria Stilwell Academy (VSA) intensive when my perspective shifted drastically. Victoria was lecturing on new research in dog cognition when she started pointing her finger. Did you know that dogs are the only other species that are born knowing how to follow a pointing human finger?, she teased, her English accent adding to the suspense. She went on to explain that not even apes know how to follow a human point. Apes can be taught, but puppies are born already knowing it. 

In my mind, I traveled back to the Texas sanctuary where I’d befriended some rescued chimpanzees. Their eerily human-like mannerisms and tendencies had left quite an impression on me. Being so close to them, it was hard not to feel like they were somehow familiar. To think now that they could be so similar and yet not as close to me as a dog was unreal. Sure, I might have more in common with a chimp, but science has proven that dogs and I were meant to communicate. 

During the break after this lesson, I stumbled across the little nugget that would end up coming home with me. As I walked up to her kennel, she paused from wrestling with another puppy to look up at my face. I smiled and watched as she looked down to my feet and then to the floor; her little brow furrowed as though deep in thought. Suddenly, her bottom dropped to the floor and she lifted her gaze to meet mine again.

Clearly, this dog had been trained by someone. What intrigued me wasn’t that she chose to sit without being asked (dog trainers call that an automatic sit) but the thought that went into the decision. It was as though she was working out a puzzle of some sort. I sat down in front of her and started to point my finger in different directions. Sure enough, the nugget’s expressive gaze followed where I pointed. I. Was. Tickled. 

Raising Hope

It turns out that raising a puppy can be exactly what Ryan hoped it would be: thrilling, invigorating, a gift. It was also a welcome distraction from my grief over losing Lucy. There was no time to wallow in my guilt or give ear to the “should haves” running through my head; I had a puppy to raise.  This time around I drew on methods I was learning from VSA and the Karen Pryor Academy for Animal Training & Behavior.

I used positive reinforcement and relied on food’s intrinsically rewarding powers to help the puppy understand the world she’d been dropped into. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, all our training sessions were turning us into partners – the kind of friends that know exactly what each other is thinking just by the way one tilts their head or raises an eyebrow. Even though I still missed Lucy deeply, and often times found myself looking for her in the next room, Hope was carving out her own place in my heart.

Grief is a storm, dog is a lighthouse

Is there a right way to grieve? I don’t really know. What I do know is that Hope’s presence gave me a safe space to feel intense and uncomfortable emotions that I didn’t have the courage to face otherwise. In the time between Lucy and Hope, I sobbed a lot. I bawled when I woke up, as I brushed my teeth, and on my drive to work. After bringing Hope home, I put a stop to all that. There were things to get done and no time for tears.

Instead of feeling, I started stuffing down my emotions, until I was angry most the time. One day I came home from work and plopped on the couch exhausted. I had barely acknowledged her when Hope climbed up into my lap, claiming her napping place on my stomach. She did this so intentionally. It practically melted the tears out of me. As the floodgates opened, I realized Hope was providing a lighthouse in the storm of a grief I did not know how to bear. 

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Second chances

I say Hope was aptly named because well, she gave me hope. Renewed hope in something I’d lost. Something I thought I might not get back again. There were times after I first brought the nugget home that I resented her a little. She was so innocent, so full of life, so carefree. It was a reminder that not everyone is that lucky and life isn’t fair. But as her sparkle and energy rubbed off on me I realized that Hope was giving me a second chance to get it right.

With a shiny new puppy, the slate was wiped clean and I could set myself up – as any clever dog trainer would – to be the bearer of all things amazing in her world. With Lucy, my track record of leash jerks, choke chains, squirt bottles and alpha rolls (the hallmarks of my early training style) had taught her that inside of me lurked an unpredictable monster. I know now that I gave her very clear reasons to fear. But with Hope, I had a chance to change my actions and reactions so that she had more reasons to trust me than fear me. 

The thing with second chances is that I’m still human and perfection just isn’t real. Although I have put a lot of effort into remaining patient and calm when the nugget gets on my last nerve, there have been a couple of times that I slipped up and started telling her off before I realized what a complete ass I was being. As a perfectionist, these slip ups remind me that I’ll always suck at pet parenting. But as I said before, perfection isn’t real. Real life involves mistakes – big ones, little ones, stupid ones, catastrophic ones. What I’ve found in all my latest erring is that mistakes teach us about forgiveness. You can’t live a good life without learning how to forgive and be forgiven. 

Dogs may not have the same reasoning capacity as we do, but living with them involves a lot of forgiveness from both sides. The Jean Donaldson in my head tells me that it’s probably less likely that my dog is practicing forgiveness when she looks up at me eagerly after one of my mistakes, and more likely that her ability to live in the moment and bounce back from stressful situations is what makes her eager to look to me again. Either way, living with Hope is teaching me that life isn’t about getting it right all the time. It’s about trying your best, asking for forgiveness and forgiving yourself when you get it wrong, and sincerely trying to do better the next time around. 

Hope can’t bring back my dead dog and she certainly can’t replace her. What Hope has brought is a second chance. She gives me second chances all the time. When I know better but still act like a jerk, she’s still there eagerly awaiting my next move. When I think I’m communicating clearly but am actually confusing the hell out of her, she’s still there trying to connect with this silly monkey. And when I fail to set her up to succeed, she doesn’t hold it against me. Her forgiveness is beyond my comprehension, but it inspires me every day. 

As it turns out, Hope is pretty amazing. Like Lucy, she is one very good dog. And good dogs inspire us to live well and do good unto others. Even after they’re gone. 

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Life After Death, Part 1

Version 2

Last October, Lucy died.

To the world, Lucy was just a dog. To me, Lucy was my world. Before you go writing me off as another crazy dog lady, I can admit that Lucy wasn’t my entire world. She was, however, an important piece of the puzzle that gave my life stability and forward motion.

The irony of those words is that Lucy was the dog I swore I would never adopt. She was a rambunctious, disobedient, house-soiling foster dog. A misfit. A problem child. But after a few months, her mischief had grown on me and I adopted her. It wasn’t that I felt a strong connection with her at the time. It was more that I felt I “knew better” and any other adopter wouldn’t be able to handle what this dog dished out.

Over the next eight years, Lucy and I connected. More than that, she became a permanent fixture in my life. So much so that when she died my mother admitted, “When I think of you, I think of Lucy, not your husband or anything else. You and Lucy, you’re a part of each other.” Indeed, Lucy had become an extension of myself. And now she was gone.

Bracing for goodbye

The last three years of Lucy’s life were spent trying to keep her walking. We tried every remedy out there as arthritis slowly wore away at her joints. Her silent killer was the plain, old generic variety of arthritis. It was happily tamed by NSAIDs, but the NSAIDs were no match for Lucy’s frail system. Instead, she was prescribed a cocktail of supplements and pain relievers to keep her comfortable, and she kept a regular schedule of walking on the water treadmill and cold laser therapy to keep her moving. But I eventually came to find that “arthritis always wins in the end.”

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For three years, I quietly prepared myself for the reality that this appendage I called “my dog” was one day going to die. I had come to the realization that telling myself over and over again, “I don’t know what I’ll do when she dies,” was foolish planning. And I am a planner. So, instead of setting myself up for desperation, I made an effort to shift my perspective and accept that one day Lucy wouldn’t be here anymore.

Despite all my all my efforts at mentally preparing for her death, when the time came I simply wasn’t ready to let her go. For weeks, as she declined I agonized over when “the right time” would be. Once her legs finally gave out and she could no longer lift herself into a stand, I couldn’t agonize anymore; the time was now. We arranged for our vet to meet us at our house. And as Lucy drew her final breaths, I felt the earth shift under my feet.

More than “just a dog”

When I first met Lucy I thought she was a train wreck and impossible to fall in love with. Over the years though, that’s exactly what happened. Like any relationship, our bond was made stronger through shared experiences, but also through the understanding that only time can cultivate. She spent the better part of my twenties watching me grow up. And as I got my life together, I grew to understand her better as a dog.

By the time she passed, Lucy had seen me through the worst of times. There were periods when she was the only constant thing in my life. She was the one I could count on to still be at my side after the dust settled. This crazy, neurotic dog needed me; a fact that shaped my everyday. In my darkest moments, she alone was the reason I knew I had to “hang in there.” In my brightest moments, she reminded me, like any good dog does, how to live in the moment gloriously.

Lucy Me 5 KISSBLOG

Only in her old age did I start to realize all the mistakes I had made as a dog mom. I was taking dog training seriously, reading up on current research and science-based methods for teaching dogs new tricks. What I learned contrasted sharply with the harsh methods of traditional training, which had shaped the beginnings of our relationship. The more I learned, the more I desperately wanted more time with Lucy. More time to make up for all the horrible mistakes I had made with her.

But I’m sad to say that her final moments weren’t what I wanted them to be. She was the same fearful dog I adopted, if not more fearful thanks to my early heavy-handedness. Though we made Lucy’s passing as peaceful as possible, I knew that I had failed her in so many ways.

Grieving

When Lucy died I was careful about with whom and how I shared my grief. Grief over a dog is still stigmatized. And if life only pauses when we lose close human family members, it barely blinked when I lost my dog. I put my head down and went back to my everyday. But inside I felt wrecked and lost. I didn’t have any one I could work through that with. Even my husband, for all his trying, can’t understand why Lucy’s passing took such a toll on me.

The closest I came to sharing my grief happened months later. I was driving back from a long day of learning with two classmates from the Victoria Stilwell Academy when one of them said something that shook me at my core. We were talking about why we want to be dog trainers and she said something along the lines of “all we can do is pay it forward for all they’ve given us.” She didn’t realize it at the time but that was the life raft I needed to stay afloat when the Lucy floodgates opened.

Lucy’s death left me feeling angry and ashamed for all I didn’t know when I first adopted her; for the ways I had failed to build her confidence, even though I thought I was “curing” her disobedience. After all, caring for Lucy had become an intricate part of my purpose in life. As ridiculous as that may sound to some, it was the thing that lifted me out of dark holes and turned me back onto right paths. So, realizing in the end that I had failed was devastating. And with her gone there was no way of undoing what I had done wrong.

But Anne’s words gave me a spark of hope that had been clouded by my grief. All I can do is pay it forward. Lucy is gone and I can never repay her. But I can pay forward everything she did for me. Pay it forward. Everything dogs have done for me. I don’t think you have to be a dog person to understand what I’m saying here. If a dog has ever warmed your heart, made you laugh or licked tears off your face, you know what I’m talking about.

Life goes on

The hope of paying it forward wasn’t given to me until several months after Lucy left. What did come quickly was the addition of a puppy to my life. Aptly named, Hope was a dog I didn’t really want. When Lucy died I told my husband we would not be adopting a dog for at least six months. I don’t know where I came up with that arbitrary timeline but I do know why I didn’t want a dog. Another dog would be overshadowed by the loss I felt. Another dog would never be as good as Lucy. And I could never love another dog as much as I loved Lucy.

But three weeks after Lucy died my husband admitted to me that he was eager to adopt a puppy. Maybe I wasn’t as good at hiding my grief as I thought. Our home and our lives were too sad and boring, he said. He thought a puppy would liven things up. [Now, I can already hear the activists clamoring about “wrong reasons” to adopt a dog. But let’s lay our judgments aside for the sake of a story here.] I couldn’t disagree; a puppy would indeed liven things up. A puppy would also keep me busy. And if I kept busy, then the Lucy floodgates stayed closed.

That’s when I stumbled across a little black and tan nugget sitting in a kennel at the Georgia SPCA. I was at my first Victoria Stilwell Academy intensive learning more about dog cognition and positive training methods. My brain was lighting up in all sorts of exciting ways, and I’m willing to bet this was part of the reason I opened up to the idea of a puppy. At the end of each day of training, I visited the puppy. I played games with her, snuggled her, facetimed my husband with her. After much mulling, we decided to adopt the little nugget.

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As I loaded her up in my truck for the drive home, I remember thinking “here goes nothing.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m too much of a planner to just wing anything. I had already planned our schedules, instructed the hubs on how to set up the house, and gone on a supply shopping spree. But in my mind, I was still a little unsure about the timing of this puppy. I still missed my dog so much. The kind of longing that makes your chest throb. And I just wasn’t sure there was room in my heart for a shiny new puppy.

After all, this puppy was nothing like Lucy. I met Lucy after her formative years and although I wasn’t sure what had happened to her, there were hints that she had been through some rough times. Add in my early heavy-handed, alpha-dog “training” style and this dog undoubtedly experienced trauma. That was something Lucy and I had in common, we were both survivors of trauma. Surely, this shiny new puppy knew nothing of the dread, pain and desperation that Lucy and I had been subjected to. Shiny new puppies are innocent, fearless and stinkin’ adorable. Shiny new puppies and I have nothing in common.

But if nothing else, I had a new mission. Never repeat any of the mistakes I made with Lucy. Looking back, I suppose it was more of an un-mission. It took time for that un-mission to morph into something greater. In the meantime, I filled shiny new puppy’s life with all the things Lucy deserved but didn’t get enough of: a predictable schedule, positive reinforcement, puppy play dates, and a house full of enrichment. In all I was trying to give her, little did I realize what the shiny new puppy was giving me back in return.

To be continued…Don’t miss our next post where we share how things turned out with the shiny new puppy! Here’s a hint: Lucy’s legacy lives on.